by Jodi
“Your life is a reflection of your thoughts. If you change your thinking, you change your life.” ~ Brian Tracy
As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve had to work hard getting comfortable saying the word “no”. What I learned, though, is that every “no” makes space for another “yes” to help create a life I love. Reminding myself that there’s room for everyone to do what makes their soul shine helps. It’s impossible to be everything for everyone so instead of exhausting myself by trying, I’m finding joy in being exactly who I am.
‘My People’ are out there looking for exactly what I have to offer them. Here’s how I began to rebuild my personal tribe: by practicing being vulnerable, raw and real alongside other beautiful souls in a non-judgmental and wholly accepting environment. It took some time – a LOT of time if I’m honest, to find this environment and begin doing the work on myself. Although I’m not done (are we EVER really done working on ourselves?) I feel confident that I’m now heading in the right direction.
Discovering Unheatlhy Patterns
A few years back, I was still struggling and confused in my life and relationships. Despite trying to be a good friend, it didn’t seem like I had many quality friendships that were filled with give and take. You teach people how to treat you by what behavior you accept and what behavior you object to. That’s a lesson I’ve seen played out in various forms throughout my life both in romantic relationships and friendships. Be examining my past friendships, one thing I realized is that I’ve done a terrible job teaching people to treat me with the compassion and respect I deserve. Because I’ve accepted every behavior - even when it upset me, hurt my feelings or made me feel uncomfortable in any way - I gave people permission to treat me badly. Once those friendships inevitability evolved into unhealthy situations, it felt too late and I didn’t know how to re-establish what was okay for me and what was a friendship “deal breaker”.
My lifelong fear of rejection and inexperience in asserting myself left me ill-equipped to build and sustain mutually beneficial friendships. Even though I made several attempts to redraw my boundaries in one long-standing friendship, we both fell back into our firmly established patterns of behavior and acceptance. After feeling disappointed and betrayed dozens of times, I finally learned how to stop being the victim and start becoming the architect of my own destiny.
Making Different Choices
As I started walking away from friendships that were toxic to my sense of self-worth, life got pretty lonely for a good while. In order to change my patterns, I had to seek out new friendships with people interested in establishing mutually respectful relationships that were not just one-sided. The first step for me was the healing step of figuring out how to love myself enough to draw healthy boundaries in future friendships.
Fortunately, I began to deepen my yoga journey around that same time. Through my studies to become a yoga teacher, I found a practice that encompassed so much more than simply exploring my body’s flexibility with new poses and sequences. As my understanding of the mind- body connection expanded, I was blessed to be learning within a group of like-minded individuals in their own cycle of self-transformation. Our lives intersected at this special moment and we shared lots of laughter, tears and moments of profound growth. The magic of completing our trainings together was that every few months we got a weekend training that brought us back together so we could share our joys, triumphs and challenges. We supported and cheered each other on and I learned it’s okay to be exactly who I am without trying to change myself to feel worthy or compromise my boundaries to feel accepted.
Now, you might be thinking that this all sounds lovely except for one thing - you’re not interested in becoming a yoga teacher and you might not even like doing yoga so how can this possibly apply to you? Finding a community is the key, I think. Sometimes, our lives are filled with people we’ve known for so many years that they only know who we used to be. Because we grow as we experience life, we become different versions of ourselves with different priorities and values. So, finding a community that meets us where we are and who we are in this moment can help us find the motivation and inspiration to keep evolving.
Moving Forward
Letting go of relationships from the past can feel alienating, especially if there isn’t any real transgression or event that causes a break. Life moves us all in our own direction and that means sometimes we no longer have any common interests. That’s not only okay – it’s totally normal. We’re not always meant to stay friends with someone for our entire lives and drifting apart isn’t a rejection of all we’ve shared in the past – it’s simply an acknowledgement that our time and energy is better served in other relationships.
Remind yourself as often that you deserve good things like respect, compassion and love from yourself and from others. There’s no need to live in the past and letting go of what no longer serves you can be the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. Most of all remember that you’re worth it – the time, the effort and the lessons – you’re worth it!
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